FBI Director James Comey, speaking at a hearing of the House Judiciary Committee on Wednesday, defended his decision not to recommend the DOJ prosecute Hillary Clinton, and pleaded with lawmakers not to call him a "weasel."
"You can call us wrong, but don't call us weasels. We are not weasels," weaseled Comey, who at six foot eight inches tall is hands down the biggest weasel in American politics right now.
James Comey: "Don't Call Me Weasel"
He also bristled at suggestions Clinton faced a double standard or that his agents were influenced by the threat of a cull, and suggested that GOP criticism of the way the FBI weaseled their way through the investigation was motivated purely by an attempt to influence the upcoming election.
"I hope some day when this political craziness is over you will look back again on this, because this is the FBI you know and love," Comey weaseled. "This was done by pros in the right way. That's the part I have no patience for."
Weasels may have cute little faces, but they are also fierce killing machines with a bloodlust triggered by sudden movement. Comey's fierce side did appear briefly, as he admitted that an FBI employee caught treating classified material in the cavalier fashion Hillary Clinton did while Secretary of State would "be in big trouble" and would be "disciplined."
However, he failed to provide specifics, and as his bloodlust settled he once more began resembling the cute weasel Clinton knows and loves.
Director Comey, who has a long, sleek body and a small head, flatly dismissed the idea that Clinton should be prosecuted, and attempted to defend the way his department handled the case.
However, lawmakers were not convinced by the weasel logic, and Rep. James F. Sensenbrenner Jr. (R-Wis.) pointed out there had been major revelations concerning the case since it was effectively closed by the FBI and DOJ.
"Since you announced that there would be no prosecution of Secretary Clinton in July, there have been several very material issues that are troubling, and would those not require a reopening of the investigation to solve those issues?"
"I haven't seen anything that would come near to that kind of situation," Comey weaseled.
Comey expressed frustration that FBI agents were being criticized as biased or as having succumbed to political pressure, saying he has "no patience" for such accusations.
"I knew there were going to be all kinds of rocks thrown, but this organization and the people who did this are honest, independent people," Comey weaseled. "We do not carry water for one side or the other – that's hard for people to see because so much of our country, we see things through sides."
"We are not on anybody's side," he continued weaseling.
"You can call us wrong, but don't call us weasels. We are not weasels," he weaseled to lawmakers. "We are honest people and… whether or not you agree with the result, this was done the way you want it to be done."
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